Amazon Prime Time

I know it’s a major retail campaign to boost Black Friday-level sales in the middle of the summer, but this year I was actually impressed by Amazon Prime Day.

If you’re not familiar, Amazon Prime Day is marketed like a high holiday as a 24-hour-period in which supposedly amazing deals are available for Amazon Prime members only. It’s kind of like how only good kids get presents on Christmas, and the rest of us are left with 15% off Tide Ultra.

Last year it bombed pretty bad, actually, with literally deals like 15% off Tide Ultra. But this year they’ve really shaped things up, probably because, as a few Twitter users commented, last year was like:

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So anyway, I scored a major retail victory this year on Prime Day, and/or fell into Amazon’s capitalist agenda, however you want to look at it. BUT, I did exercise restraint. There were plenty more things that I wanted to buy that I didn’t. Things that I would have loved to have had in my life had I the bankroll of the Rothschild family.

Here is a list of great stuff to own in the next life:

Echoes of Nature: Morning Songbirds

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Who doesn’t want to hear the dulcimer tones of morning songbirds? With inspirational tracks like “Pre-Dawn” and “Sparkling Water” I could drown out the awkward sound of my upstairs neighbors going to town on each other. Or help them set the mood.

Nayoya Gymnastic Rings for Full Body Strength and Crossfit Training

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I may have struggled to do the mandatory pull-up required in elementary school gym class but you don’t know that I couldn’t have been an olympic gymnast. “Ring workouts build muscle, core strength, stability and coordination that comes from intense concentration and focus…” blah blah blah. Who am I kidding, reading the product description for this is already making me tired. Thank God I’m already lying on my bed, semi-prostrate, as I type this.

Magicfly Bright Cool LED Light Egg Candler Tester

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It’s possible that only a farmer could answer this question, but I’m going to ask anyway: couldn’t you just use a flashlight? And a flashlight doesn’t need to get plugged into the wall. Still though. Look at that egg!

Miracle-Gro AeroGarden 6 LED with Gourmet Herb Seed Pod Kit

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Okay this, no joke, I did almost buy. I am a total sucker for products that combine environmental themes with NASA-levels of engineering to create a complicated device that accomplishes the same thing as a clay pot and a windowsill. I guess if I didn’t have windows I could justify buying this, but truthfully I was held back by the feeling that these are most likely purchased to grow something else that requires a lot of sunlight and hasn’t yet been legalized in all fifty states.

Himalayan Salt Block for Grilling

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I’m totally into the idea that salt has healing properties; this is why it’s okay for me to break my hypoglycemia diet at Wendy’s. Himalayan salt is renowned for its health benefits, so eating it is probably sacramental. Helpfully, one customer reviewer for this product instructs “As you can guess this product is a giant block of salt.” Well, I’m sold.

P.S. there is a Himalayan salt cave in Pittsburgh! No joke. It’s at Peace, Love & Zen and basically there are lawn chairs and I guess you just sit and soak up the negative ions. And for the record I can hear the eye rolls of those reading this right now but guess what: negative ions are actually good for you. You aren’t going to get massive benefit from a square of salt from Homegoods that holds a tea light, but sitting by a waterfall or, say, in a giant room filled with chunks of salt and people doing yoga, just might.

Happy Amazon Prime Day to you and yours! God bless us each and every one.


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